- September 8, 2020
Tully chats about holding grudges, the signs of a toxic friendship, boundary setting, resurrecting friendships, and what makes a great friend.
On today’s show:
- Holding grudges and grudge graveyards
- Signs of a toxic friendship
- Boundary setting
- Resurrecting friendships
- Qualities of a great friend
This podcast is produced by BIG MEDIA COMPANY.
Hello, and welcome to episode eight of too much Tally. We have my amazing producer Jess here as always hi Jess. Hey Telly guys, today's episode is possible thanks to the adore beauty podcast beauty IQ uncensored. We'll be hearing more from the co host john and Hannah later in the episode but first on today's show, we're talking all things friendships, and more importantly, toxic friendships. I'm gonna talk about the grudge graveyard. I'll explain that a little bit later on in the episode. We talked about when goes from friends pass come knocking and finally good friendships and setting healthy boundaries. Jess, do you have a drink? I do. I have mine. Let's get into it.
So just something that I've been using since we spoke about this is your whole battery percentage check in Yes. I've been using it with my friends and family. I think it's really great way. It's got people from saying that just fine. Like they can't just say I'm okay if you make them give you a percentage number. They kind of have to think about how they're feeling actually and then you guys can kind of
Discuss it together. Yeah. So how are you feeling today? I'm feeling a solid 80% if you had have asked me two days ago, I would have said maybe 15
you know, it's the time people are going through an emotional roller coaster at the moment. So you have good days you have bad days, but overall I'm looking after myself and trying to feel good, but how are you? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. Again. As you said, you know, you have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. Some weeks. You wake up and you bake banana bread and you find other days you just don't get out of bed. So I'm glad to hear you're feeling better any dating updates for me? I've been talking to a guy what do you tell me these things on air? Like I've literally shot this isn't what I get that reaction. Oh my goodness.
How I Well, he slid into my dams and he's not the gateway. It's not bad.
Guys are so excited.
This is so exciting. Okay, so a guy has found Jess by the podcast like, this is our doing team like this is doing. So he's found her via the podcast and he slid into her DMS. This is a couple of weeks ago. And you didn't you didn't seem a whole like you didn't know I was gonna be serious thing. What's going on? We Yeah, we're just going back and forth a little bit. It's not like an everyday thing. But yeah, I've been chatting to him. And he also hates bananas. So it's funny. I didn't relate to you when you wake up and want to make banana bread. I don't want to do that ever. But
yeah, so we bonded over fruit. And I mean, we're living different like he's a polarities instructor, and good rig.
I mean, I've never never done a plot ease class in my life. I'm more of an aggressive kind of exerciser as opposed to training or something. Well, yeah, boxing, that kind of thing. So anyway, yeah, we've been chatting fantasies. Okay. Well, good. And yeah. See what happens.
He's referring to a date after lockdown so we're gonna have to wait till end of September to update on that one but in the meantime, that is really exciting. I'm I've already said to you that if you end up finding love because of the podcast like I'm absolutely emceeing your wedding like you don't even have a say in that. Actually I want to be MC I want to be like flower girl I want to I want to be I want to see rose bridesmaid. Yeah, obviously. I'd love to brides and also like, Wait, who organises the the bachelorette party? I don't I can absolutely be you but I want it to be debaucherous like I'm not all about that. You met me? Great. I want penis blow ups. Oh, you know those big ones that kind of had the era hat you want the oh you want the big inflatable penis hat What do you
you know there's you know these dress outs where they have like a little
penis. Yeah, I want all my hands. Oh wear dresses penises? All of us have dresses penises? Yeah, we'll get the different shades because if you look on eBay, there's different shades.
So we got inclusive we love that we love Yeah. So I just can't wait to get engaged just for that. My hands. I'm so excited. Well, I can assure you if we're still friends at that stage, I will make sure that there are plenty of inflatable penises at your hands party for you. Brilliant. So I'm actually I'm actually do it. Oh, what? Oh, I was gonna say, what's your dating out date? Do you have any? I maybe do have
a baby do I? Maybe I might have maybe met someone.
Wow, I know. It's that's the thing, right? So I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And then when it's actually something that means something to me. I get Oh, coy and shy. Um, yeah, you don't want to talk about it now. So he's saying it's just very early days. Yeah, he was sweet. He was like, do you want me listen to the podcast? Like if you will, like if you want me to I will. Obviously I want to support you. And I was like, maybe just hold off for a bit like, just give me Just give me a couple of I don't know, weeks months.
I don't know. I just feel like it's a bit of a cheat sheet to me. I've figured that out since signing the podcast. I feel like if guys, I'm talking to listen to it, they get this like Spock notes on me. Yeah, but I'm still left in the dark. It just doesn't feel fair. You know? Like, they suddenly start dropping all these facts about me and I'm like, I don't even know your sister's name. Mike. Can we just whoosah and also you didn't get to tell them yourself. So yeah, exactly. Exactly. Anyway, I digress. We should talk about today's episode on the show. Can you tell that I've been alone and missing you and like I have no friends to talk to you. Today is gonna be a good one. So if you want to ask me a couple of years ago, whether I was the kind of person to hold a grudge, I would have been like, Yeah, no, that's not me. Like you know, I love everybody. I have plenty of friends. I don't hold a grudge. However, it has come to my attention recently with thanks to some patient friends, and my insightful kinesiologist to know who we spoke to. If you remember in Episode Three, the fee is attending 30 if you haven't listened to it, give it a go. One of the best ones I think so far but I am
Fact a gold medalist in a garage holding, and it might be affecting me in more ways than just my social calendar. So let me talk you through the garage grab. Yeah, because this is my concept. I know that you thought that it was some like one of those. And I googled it when I was prepping for this episode. And I was like, ah, is this a thing? Or is it Yeah, you thought it was like an urban dictionary? Like Tick tock, tick? No, it's mine doing? First of all, I think it's important to state that I am a firm believer in cutting deadweight I've caught many a friend in the past who I simply felt wasn't bringing any joy into my life, but rather drama and stress. I actually believe that there's a lot to be said about being self aware enough to realise when somebody is bringing you down and having the bowls and being brave enough to politely let them know that you're breaking up with him. Like that's what it is. It's It feels like a breakup, just a friend. I could imagine. I
if you had asked me back in the day, I
I don't know if I yeah, I think I am a grudge holder, massive grudge holder. So really trusting that you weren't but now have kind of twisted it around and they, why didn't Okay, so I didn't realise I was a grudge holder until speaking Janell about this whole concept. So, what happened was basically, the concept of a grudge graveyard is that I had, coincidentally had a falling out with I think it was at the time three or four of my very good friends or facility raisins at different times, but for whatever reason, we had let the fight continue on, I hadn't spoken.
And I just, I was finding myself thinking about them wondering how they're doing missing them. And so one of my appointments was, you know, I kind of brought this up and I said, Look, you know, I really miss so and so. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm constantly checking their Instagram. I want to know how they're going. You know, it makes me sad to say I've been one of my girlfriends when now completely fine, so I can talk about a mag
Maggie had a falling out we've been friends for like 20 something years and we had a silly falling out with very bloody stubben and I remember seeing her Instagram and she had like a Hey was so long. I was like oh my god
how long it's grown and you notice that look you know if it's keeping you up at night if you miss them, reach out, yeah, extend an olive branch and and reach out you have nothing to lose like you're already not talking. The worst thing they can do is not respond. So that's the garage graveyard was created and I decided to dig it up. Basically, I decided to go in there with my shovel and just dig up some of these zombies that I decided I was done with forever. And it was it was a process. It was a huge process. It was really nerve racking for me. I'm not the best when it comes to apologising or meeting folks. And while some of these friendships
And falling outs were my fault. Some of them were not. And I think it was hard. It was very hard for me to swallow my pride and and stick my neck out on the line. Yeah, no, it's tough. It's tough when he's out there like that. Yeah, I could imagine but how do you identify the unhealthy relationships and the toxic people to actually bury them in the first place? Because it's you can't keep friends in your life if they're not feeling a cop or you know, giving you energy or just generally bringing you joy. So how do you identify these people and make that decision? I totally agree. And I think that it's coming off the back of high school, I think we're led to believe that like, we've made these friends that have to be our friends for life. It's like Actually no, like, you don't need to keep people around that aren't serving you that are sparking joy. So I've come up with a list. I've got a little list to go through with us today on the episode of signs of a toxic friendship. You ready? Yes. Number one
You're giving them more than you're getting back in return. So if your friend is always like in need of your help, but can't ever return a smallest favour, then chances are that they're toxic. And you've got those friends you know, I'm talking about, you're constantly helping them out having to move house helping them, do this and that and then you ask for the smallest Save and return and then no way to be saying, No. Number two, you no longer trust them. If you don't trust that they have your best interests at heart, then that's often a sign that something's probably not working, right. Mm hmm. Number three, you dread checking our phone. Like when the person or friend calls or texts you and you feel that sort of pit in your stomach. You see the name pop up on your phone, you're like, Oh, I just don't want to deal with that. Right now. I don't even want to open the message. Or like I send you an Instagram and you'd like leave it on unread because you just don't want it to say that you've seen it. Yeah, that's probably not a great sign that your friendships going well. I don't think a good friend should make you freak out. You know, whenever your phone buzzes, you should be excited for it.
My god, yes. You know what is? What are they doing? Whatever. Yeah, exactly. Oh, like no, my best friend Jen. She could text me 107 times today and I'd still be like, Oh, yeah, like what now? Yeah, what exciting things you have to share. Number four, you just didn't enjoy spending time with them. I think that sounds probably a bit simple, but it's an important, you know, thing on the checklist. Because if you like if you find yourself fist pumping, when they cancel plans, it's probably because you're tired of putting in more work than the friendship is worth. It shouldn't feel draining, it shouldn't feel like a friendship. It feels like a chore. Yeah, I agree. I also think, for me, and probably for everyone laughing like if you're not laughing with your friends, and you're not having fun and you're not doing enjoy our lives like 90% of the time, like you need to be there for your friends. Like you're gonna go through sad days. But there's a difference between being sad, and then draining and never having any fun. Yeah, exactly. And it's like if you're not laughing and you're not getting Yeah, enjoyment out of life with them, then what is the point? Yeah.
I think you also have, I've noticed definitely physical reactions to this kind of a friendship. You may notice an increase in anxiety, headaches, a bit of a funny tummy like that kind of like sick. I call them bad butterflies, which is what I used to call them anxiety, not feeling when you just like I just, I see. Yeah, you just feel a little bit sick about it because you know, it's not healthy, you know, it's not good for you. Number five, and you don't like yourself when you're with them. Now, this is a big one. For me. This is one that sort of I noticed probably very early on, a toxic friend has a knack of kind of spreading the toxicity to others. And maybe you find that you're drinking too much when you hang out with them or you're suddenly gossiping or being passive aggressive. Like I had this group of girlfriends couple years back and I realised that every time we hang out, I kind of turned into like this bullshit High School version of myself like I was suddenly like really catchy.
And, you know, that'd be bitching about other women. So I would join in because they were doing it and as I don't like this, and this is not who I am. And if if you get to a point as well, where you don't feel comfortable speaking up that you don't feel comfortable about bitching about someone else. That's a real clear sign. Totally. I think that yeah, if you're suddenly being super passive aggressive when you're usually really chilled out, like that's probably a bad sign that this friendship is toxic. And number six, you know, they talk shit about you. And I think that it's important to note here, there's a difference between someone venting out of concern and then like, plain bitching. Like, it's one thing for a friend to be like, hey, like, you know, I really don't like this guy. Sara's dating, like, I just think he seems like a bit of a fuck boy. I don't think he has good intentions and I'm concerned about it. That's one thing and that's so valid and that's not bitching. That's you being genuine concern for your friend. But then as being like, Oh my god, you know, Sarah always dates the biggest fucking douchebags like what
Fox run with her. And that's kind of an like laughing about it behind her back or like making fun of her with other people. That Viz into cruelty, I think and that's that's not that's not a friend but like a friend of me. Yeah, I mean, yeah, for sure. I think that when you know if a friend friends don't talk smack about you, period so if a friend is doing that then I think it's a very healthy friendship. Yeah, I agree. Number seven, you can paint with them. Now, there's nothing wrong with like a little bit of competition between friendly competition. Yes, I think that's healthy. I think it's healthy. I think especially, um, you know, you meet friends at the workplace. If you guys are in the same industry. I think that that's kind of that's healthy and that's totally fine.
But I think it's when it's, you know, jealousy is a bit different. And I think that it's normal to feel jealous every so often. But if you feel like you're constantly in a fight with them to win, that's toxic as hell.
You should want the best for your friend. You should want them to succeed. You shouldn't be sitting there and if they get a promotion or meet a new guy, you shouldn't be sitting there. You know agreeing with me. You should be jealous. Yeah. Yeah, like jealousy. Jealousy is a curse. And it's it's a tricky one. I've always struggled with jealousy, my whole life, both in friendships and in relationships. But I think in friendships, it can be really, really poisonous if you had to get out of control. Number eight, you're embarrassed by their behaviour towards others. So I, you know, you've got that friend that if they're, if they're rude people, you care about being your partner, your other friends, or you've got those friends who go out to dinner, and they're so rude to the waiter.
And you sit there sort of like not even be able to sort of look at them or you catch the waiter, you know, separately when you go to the bathroom and you kind of apologised on their behalf like, that's the kind of person you want to be friends with. It says a lot. Yeah.
I also think
yeah getting outrageously sloppy drunk or you know, just generally doing things with you morals have to align like I think that we go through different stages you know, growing up I think that five years ago 10 years ago I you know, all my friends I just wanted to party and get fucked up and that was fine because I did I but now I'm a bit older. My ideal night out like my dream not out is like afternoon drinks in the sun somewhere which rolls into like an early dinner superseded boozy, and then we're all home by like 12 one during dream right? Especially now when we physically we physically cannot do that. Like we're stuck in our homes here in Wellman. But I think that you know, I have a couple of friends who just can't seem to give up the party they want to go on benders, they want to go from club to club and they want to go to 161 and then one go to revs. It's like, I don't that's not where I'm at in my life right now. I think that it's okay for the occasional blowout and cicada you know, for that to happen occasionally, but if you're hanging out with people
that maybe are on a different life path or a different life stage or what different things that's eventually going to affect the friendship for sure. And I think that, you know, we spoke about this before jenelle told us this episode three, your vibe attracts your tribe, but it also works the opposite way. So, you know, you've got to keep your circle full of people who make you feel good about yourself and proud and not embarrassed and ashamed and cringing.
Okay, number nine, you make excuses for them. We've all had friends like this and ex boyfriends, you know, when a friend is known for their bad behaviour, and they put you in an uncomfortable position of justifying their actions to others and, and that's fuckin toxic. So, if you find yourself saying stuff like, oh, but you know, no, you don't actually know her. She's actually really nice. So like, Oh, she just takes a bit to warm up. Yeah, that's probably if you have to convince someone that someone's really nice. They're probably
Not that nice, huh?
I wonder what an example of that is because I I'm just thinking about myself here
and I do take a little while to warm up. So I wonder like I wonder if it's so different I just you've got such a warm presence about you like you've got to really warm you've got to like you're not I'm talking when someone's being super rude and yet like a group dinner or at a barbecue someone's being rude someone's you know they using other people to get a laugh, you know, those kind of people they like they they put you down to get a laugh at everybody else. They use you as a pawn in their you know, chest again. I hate that. I hate that. I had it too and it comes down to insecurity doesn't show jealousy. You can see straight through it. Yeah, right. Like what do you want to do? So you feel small, like you feel insecure in his environment. You're going to use me as a part of every job to make yourself feel bigger like
that is a toxic friendship if I've ever heard of one
You're not nothing like that you're, you're so swayed away. Okay, number 10. This might seem simple and obvious, but it's an important one if you just feel used.
You know, if you often feel used and abused by your friend then are they even really a friend? Like that's not a friendship, if you're only here hearing from them when they need something, you know, if you try and make plans with them, and they say they wishy washy about it, and then suddenly, last minute, you get a whole lot, but it's like, oh, what did every other better plan for through? Yeah, true friends don't use other friends. So to me, that's a super, super big sign and an important sign to notice if your friends are being toxic. I hate flakiness. I really hate it. It's my number one pet hate like, unless I have broken my leg and there was a bone sticking out of my shin. If I've made plans with you, I will be there. Yeah, like rain, hail or shine. Yeah, I'm the exact same like that.
times where you like, I genuinely can't make this or like your energy super low or whatever. But if it happens consistently, it's really painful. And that's when I started to question friendships as well because I can't stand it when you make a pattern or even, you know, go for a walk or have coffee or breakfast or something and then they fall plans fall through. Yeah, I am. I think that people get couple chances, right? Like, if someone flakes and you lost me like, okay, that's cool. Like, you know, I believe your excuse, and then it's like, second time, third time. And then you start thinking, whoa, I'm not even gonna bother making a plan with you. Yeah, it's gonna flake on me. I think sometimes people feel that it's easier to make a plan and then feel like, Okay, cool. That's been checked off my to do lists. Like I felt guilty that I hadn't seen Jess in a while. I'll reach out to Jess, I'll make a plan. But then they have no real intention of following through with it. And what they don't realise is that's actually more damaging to the friendship, because then you'll let down. If you don't respect someone's time, like that's my biggest thing with flakes like you didn't respect my time enough. You've wasted my time. Like, I set this
You know, day night, I put this night aside for you, and you flaked on me, which shows me don't respect my time. And that again, ladies gentlemen is a toxic friend. So we've gone through all of the qualities of a toxic friendship tallies, top 10 lists of toxic friendship. That was really good, much alliteration there.
Too much tallies top 10 List of toxic friendship traits. Wow, that's really long. I'm gonna have to write that one out in the show notes for everyone. I'm so sorry.
What I'm keen to know is though, how do you set boundaries? Because you have cut a couple of people from your life and buried them in your garage graveyard. But before we get to that stage, can you set boundaries and can you prevent them from dying essentially, I have I actually had two big friendship breakups, but it does have boundaries. I mean, if you're not sure whether you should end the friendship. I think the first sort of
port of call is to obviously try talking to the other person. If you're not sure whether you should end the friendship, I think it's important that you talk to other people first to get rid of a reality check on the relationship, I think that often an outsider's perspective so like a mutual friend can really draw your attention to the red flags that you maybe you hadn't noticed or you had noticed that you kind of tried to ignore or like shove under the rug a little bit. I'm known for doing that when, obviously, you know, when you love someone, when you love a friend, don't want to have to notice the toxic things. You don't want to admit that they're toxic for you. And you sure as fuck don't want to have to end a friendship even though you know in your heart of hearts, like it's probably the right thing to do. And I think that by talking to somebody else, sometimes you get kind of an objective opinion on the friendship and that can be really eye opening. Yeah, I found anyway. And then the other option is obviously to try setting limits or boundaries with that person directly.
So for example, if you've got a friend who is always calling you and begging you to bend over backwards to help with her with their projects, try telling her that you can't help with every project. We can't be there every time and kind of set those expectations. Yeah. Or if you know if you've got a friend who called you and monopolises the conversation and just won't let you get a word in and what listen to you.
It sounds harsh, but if you say something like, hey, Melissa, you're doing it again. I can't get a word in edgewise. You were talking over me. You asked my opinion, and then you speak over me. Regardless, if you keep doing this, I'm just gonna hang up. And if she keeps going, you fucking hang up that phone and put your foot down and you set those boundaries. Boundaries are so hard, they're like, especially with people you love. Like it doesn't feel natural to set those boundaries. But I think if they're done right at the right point, and you're open and honest about it, it can. It can really be the makeup breakup or friendship. What about yourself
Staying with this stuff because I think it is about protecting your self esteem and your self confidence and your energy levels.
How do you talk to friends about where you're at like waiter, you know, without percentage, and manage them kind of unloading all of their shit onto you? Yeah, I can definitely be tough. I think that I'm an empath. So, I already take on board a lot of people's emotional baggage inherently, they don't even know I'm doing it. I do it. You know, as I said, I've said this before on the on the podcast, I can, I can be driving along and say a go in her car crying, and that will sit with me for the rest of the day. Like I will be worried about that girl. I don't know her for the rest of the day. So it can be hard. I think that it's definitely important to if you're not feeling safe, for instance, if I called you up and I and you know, we had, I think that battery chats actually really helpful in the situation because if I called you up and we had a little chat about how we were feeling today, and you said you're at 20% I'm not going to unload all my mental
baggage onto you. Because you're clearly not capable of dealing with it at that point in time. And I think it's important, you know, on the flip side for you to be like, Hey, I love you, I care about you. I really want to hear what's bothering you. But right now, I'm only at a 20% or I'm not feeling 100% great myself, kind of give you a call back tomorrow morning and can we can debrief then, like, you have to make, I think it's about acknowledging them, acknowledging what they're saying and acknowledging that you understand that they're not feeling great either. But you have to put yourself first you can't pour from an empty cup. So and it doesn't have to be you know, you just say, Hey, I love you so much. And I seriously want to pull this apart. I just can't mentally do it right now. Yeah, that's a great piece of advice. And if they're a good friend, they'll be like, Oh, my God, of course, are you okay? If they don't have that reaction and they get shooting with you, then that's a toxic friendship and that's the kind of thing you should be cutting. Yeah, I agree. So you touched on it earlier, but when is it okay to unbury people
When can we resurrect them? Because friendships are hard. Like, you know, you did have something at one point. They've gone a little bit skew if and now, you know, you've had your break, can we bring them back? I think it's also so important to note that like, it's so circumstantial, like, you could have been in a bad headspace. They could be in a bad headspace, you could have been going through a breakup and maybe you weren't, you know, yourself or you could be going through COVID and things are a lot more stressful or they've maybe maybe they lost their job and, you know, they had a shorter temper than usual. Things change, people change, people grow, circumstances change. I think that, you know, when it gets to the point where, you know, how does it get to the point where you want to swallow your pride and apologise, um, you know, it's, it's tough. I personally with my garage graveyard and the friends that I was erected, the zombies that I brought back to life, I noticed a few things that made me think it was time to be the bigger person. So stuff like
I was still going to social media platforms like a crazy ex. Like, I was truly stalking their profiles and like, I missed them so much that I needed to know what they were up to in from another way, you know, if I couldn't talk to them and say, how's your day been? What are you up to? How's that new job going? I was talking to Instagram, like, an X. It was insane. Like, I was like, Oh my god, did you go on that date that we're talking about? What did you wear that day? I found myself like obsessively keeping tabs on my friends via social media. And my heart, you know, was was aching with every selfie that, you know, I didn't help edit or audio take, you know, like, I was seeing photos of them happy and I was like, oh, like, my heart was just hurting, looking at these photos. And another thing I noticed was
I kept talking about these friends like they would did.
I mean, they were there in my garage graveyard. They were like six feet under. But I was saying stuff like I'm talking past tense, like, you know
would be shopping and I'd be like, Oh, you know, like, Rosie would have loved those pants. No, talking about them like they weren't around anymore. Or like, we'd go to a bar and I'd be like, Oh, I'm just nice always come here in summer.
Like wash is coming clearly like to me and everybody else around me that I was like mourning a life that I once leaves with, with my friend, and I obviously missed it. Yeah. Another thing I was doing was, I call it mention itis. So it's when I talk a lot about that friend with my other friends. So when your other friends is sick to death of hearing about the friendship breakdown. So, you know, there's so many times where I rehash the same arguments over and over again, trying to get different opinions to see if I was in the right or she was in the right. You know, I'd make them read this sort of sad long text message that I was about to send to see you know, if if it sounded okay. You know, it was just
When else around me was sick of hearing about me talk about these people. That was a sign because like, if you don't be careful with that you're gonna lose the lost friends you've got
another sign that I noticed was that I kept going to call and text them. And I think that sounds simple. But you know if something great happens if you get a new job if you get a new car, if you meet someone really exciting, and your first instinct is to go and text that personal call that person, that's probably a sign that they're actually quite important to you in your life. Yeah. You want to mean Yeah, absolutely. Those things, the things that you want to share with your best friend and if you're constantly by habit, going to Mitch message these people I feel like maybe they actually are quite important to you, and maybe it is worth trying to hash it out. Mm hmm. And number five months, wow, you just fucking miss them.
You know, like, I think if someone's truly toxic, and I had a breakup with a friend this year, who was too
toxic love her to death lovely person. There was nothing wrong with her whereas toxic is two people trying to be friends. And I got him I'm gonna cry. No, surely not. I miss her. We go for three episodes. I know, I miss her. I do I miss her. I miss her a lot, but it's just it's just not worth it. It's not worth my mental health. It's not worth the trouble.
But sometimes I think if you if you truly miss them anything about them a lot, and they haven't actually done anything. I think that it's worth maybe revisiting the old graveyard. Yeah. Do you think there's also a sixth way? When you've heard that they've changed from mutual friends or, you know, they've reached maybe reach out to you as well and have said I've, you know, implemented these five things into my life. I feel like you know, we could be friends again based on this or you know, they've reverted back to them ourselves. For sure. I definitely believe in people growing. I don't know if I believe in change. I believe in growth. a leopard can't change its spots, but it can let a bunch of new
You know what I mean? And I feel like, especially if they've acknowledged the problem in the first place. Like if someone sits down with you, or reaches out to you and says, hey, look, I know that a few months back, you were feeling I don't know, neglected, you know, because I met this new guy or I know that you are feeling like, I was constantly
belittling you when you try to tell me how you're feeling. I hear that and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry that that's how you felt like if they kind of acknowledged the problem. I think that that says a lot as well about them understanding what the issue was and how you felt about the situation. I think the thing is, if you did if you were friends and there was love there, the love is probably still there, even if you've had to bury them because of the way they've been. So if you can make it work we're offer we're offer friendships and love here, aren't we? Absolutely. I think that you can never have too many friends like friends is so important. I you know, friends have been my family for
He's amazing news now, in saying that it is really important to to be able to recognise when you have those toxic friendships or relationships and to, to have the Be brave enough to cut them off because they they won't serve you and, and you don't need to have that kind of negativity in your life. You just don't like laughs hot enough as it is. Friends are supposed to bring you up and support you and be your biggest cheerleaders and fix your crowns. And if they're not doing that, if they're standing on your crowns and making you feel small or silly or embarrassed, then you need to cut it. It's time to snip it. Snip snip. Changing pace here though we have the wonderful girls from Adobe's podcast BD IQ uncensored. Jess, let's get to Raphael and Chuck to the girls.
Hey guys, so I'm joined here today with the co host of beauty IQ Uncensored, Joanna Fleming and Hannah first and we're doing a quick fire q&a with the girls about some of their favourite beauty moments from their podcast, beauty, IQ and
said hi guys. Hello. Hi. Thanks for having us. Oh, thanks for coming on the show. JOHN, let's start with you. What is your biggest beauty regret as a teenager? I've got a few but my biggest one would probably have to be that I only tend my fake tanned my legs and then I left the rest of my body just what and I just don't know why I still to this day Don't know why I did that. I'm still trying to work through that. But that's probably my number one I'd say. Well, my formal photos are just 10 two legs white. Oh, my goodness. Okay, Hannah, your biggest DIY ISO beauty fail it you've seen we've had some mullets, we've had some pink bangs. What have you seen? I am like, I cannot believe those. And I have a lot of respect for people but cut their own fringes. So we actually had one of the we had like a Dolby had like a TV ad and there was a girl like cutting her own frames. And every time I say it, I'm like,
I would love to do it. But I actually To be honest, back in the day when I went through a breakup
I caught my friend every single time. So I'm pretty sure we've all we've all done some bad haircuts after a breakup halfway. Oh, and you're like, I'm gonna look bad on you like, that was, that was bad. I've made a terrible mistake. Okay, so let's invite the view if you guys could only have access to one BD appointment for the rest of your life, and that's really I can't even think of one what would it be? Well, it's the old hat. Oh, I actually said that. I would love to go and get a massage in Thailand because I really just want to travel again. Sorry. Like as in as in you know, when you go to like overseas and you can get cheap massages every day. That's what it's come to. Yeah, that's what it's come to. That's my beauty treatment. And that's all job assays. Alright, Joanna, I was gonna say laser Genesis or a lash lift, so I'm a little bit more superficial. I need my nails done. If I don't have my iPhone naked. I feel absolutely naked. I've been doing my own. I've just jumped on the dry many bandwagon. Simon it's not good. Not it's not good for me. I'm like a five year old.
petting my nails. Practice makes perfect. You're right you're right. Okay Hannah, what is the celebrity beauty icon that you'd love to get on the on the podcast so we are going to start a petition to get JLo on the podcast we've been talking about JLo the entire and we got we got Chris Appleton who's a hairdresser we got Tom her nail artists so we're trying to get like her whole glam squad and then hopefully we can get j loads so she's doing a new beauty line right and we saw that's how we that is absolutely you're in okay. Joanna What is your biggest celebrity beauty glow up? I think it's kim k. Honestly, like you look at her 2008 2020 like she is just looking amazing. And I think she's she's nearly 40 now and she looks the best she's ever looked. I just honestly love her. That's a good one. I reckon mind flower Bingo. She disappeared for a while though, and then came back super hot and stylish and chic. It's a good one. Okay, this one's for both of you. The best bit of you.
advice that your mom gave you. My mom doesn't give me beauty advice. It's the other way around that Hannah's mom's probably given some good advice. Yes, sorry. My mom wears blue eyeliner every day and she knows she doesn't 59 she rocks it I can tell you so I just yet see you make that sound bad, like blue eyeliner wouldn't be flattering, but she looks amazing. He looks amazing. And so she's the hottest mommy. I think her attitude is you're never too old. You're never too young and beauty should be fun. So I love that we get that principle of like a sticker, like a bumper sticker or a T shirt or something.
All right, one last one for both of you, Hannah. What is the best PD tip you've learned from Joanna and then I'm going to ask you, Joanna. So Joanna will be laughing at this because she actually just built my whole skincare routine from scratch. Like when I first started a door I just she I used to walk in the room and I could just see it on her face like he just wanted to like change me.
She did it really slowly.
But we got there in the end. So really she she basically gave me my whole skincare routine. I will correct you though never wanted to change you just make you feel better. You were the one complaining like I've got all these aqui yeah I did complaints like it's gonna be fun
okay and Joanna What was your tip you've went from Hannah. best tip I've learned from Hannah was her little spray nozzle trick on the top of like an A ha like a glycolic acid spray puts a spray nozzle on the top and sprays it bacne best tip she's ever come up with that reminds me I saw something on Instagram this week saying that you need to tan you back you just put the meat over spatula right idea. I've got flexible arm so I can get right behind there beauty hacks well I'm just forever single so I need all the help I can get with that company. Join the club. So away Well thank you so much girls. I I feel like I've learned a little bit. I'm gonna go buy some blue eyeliner. And thanks so much for coming on the show.
Thank you. Thank you for having us. You can find BD IQ Uncensored, wherever you listen to your podcast and to find out more about Adobe's podcast, you can head to the Instagram page at Adobe. Thanks to Adobe for making today's episode of too much tally possible.
Jess, I'm so jealous of your hair. Like, your hair is like mermaid hair. It just sits there like looking in my eyes just like rash draw.
Sorry, as we as we were, as we were taken away, baby, go. Let's talk about good friendships because they're the ones that really add value to our lives. Yeah, that's no, no Hi. Just tell me about your best friend like what are your What are some of your favourite qualities that your best friend has?
I don't. I do have best friends. I don't think I have one. So best friend. I think I have four really, really, really good friends that I call on for different things. So I don't want to limit it to one but the main qualities I suppose would be laughter and having fun.
Which is just, it's just such a massive part of my life. It's what I really value. I mean, I'm sure it's a massive part of everyone's lives, but that's the main thing that I value, and then probably just just them allowing you to be your full self.
As we, as you know, you know, I like my quirky side, but it doesn't come out often with everyone. So I think a real testament to someone that, you know, that I've really opened up to is when I can truly be myself my weird self, I hate or need to worry about what they're thinking or if they're going to Erbitux about me and that kind of thing. Yeah, I think the best parts about you I You're weird. You're weird parts. Thank you. I think that's the same way with everybody. I mean, in a similar fashion, I hear um, a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot to handle. I'm not for everybody. I'm definitely unlike unlike coriander, you know, either love me or hate me. I think my favourite qualities about my best friend.
As you said they accept you for exactly
As you are no judgement, I love so much that I can text my friend Jen with my deepest darkest secrets. Like I could do something so fucked up. That like I can barely look at myself in the mirror and she won't bat an eyelash, she will be me 110% no matter what
is the unwavering loyalty? You know, she will go to bat for me, she, she's, you know, throwing drinks at people at clubs, like obviously boys, silly boys. And she's, she's watched my tears. So loyalty and allowing you to be yourself. Obviously, you know, laughing and futsal being supportive as well. Yeah. When friends are supportive. I've got so many beautiful friends who have been so amazing about the podcast and that stuff means the world to me. Even. You know, when we celebrated my mom's or commiserated my mom's anniversary of her death this year. my doorbell did not stop ringing from flowers.
I was in college for my beautiful thought for friends. I think thoughtfulness is another quality that I look for in a good friend. Yeah. And I think the main thing as well is just walking through the shit with you, like you don't need to, you know, always be offering advice or being you know, knowing what to say. It's just literally being there for you if you ever need it. That's so true. When I had that conversation with Sophia a couple of episodes back where I was a mess. She I was like telling her like, you know, it's so shit we can't we can't leave our houses and we can't have friends over. We can't even go here and I was a mess. And she's like, I'm not even gonna try and say anything. She's like, this is just fucking shit like, I'm sorry, this socks like a lot and I'm even going to try and fix it. No listener is another quality. What does it mean to you to be surrounded by good people?
You know, it's funny in my industry and this industry, I think when I moved to Melbourne, so when I moved to Melbourne, I didn't know anyone. Literally I moved here for my ex boyfriend. I did.
didn't know anyone. And because of the time in my life and what was happening, aka Russia, Big Brother, I was suddenly being invited to events and parties. And so I think just coincidentally, the people I first met in Melbourne were influences models, actors DJs that we're all in that kind of scene for lack of a better word. And I think that I made this group of friends that I thought were my friends. And then you know, over time, I realised that maybe they weren't all my my real friends, I think is a really big difference between having like, seen friends or work friends, and then my real friends and as soon as I figured that out, I made my circle really, really small.
you, you need those sort of salt of the earth people that will hold you accountable that will allow you to be yourself that will support you no matter what like that will answer your phone calls at 3am. And I think that I quickly
realise that not everybody that I had in my circle was like that. Yeah.
Yeah, something that I think is valuable for everyone as well as we talked about having, you know, numerous best friends. But, you know, we sometimes, you know, our friendship group can be wider than that as well, but you get different things out of different people. Like, I've got one very, very good friend.
Like, we laugh a lot, and whatnot, but she might not be the person that I go to, for if I'm really sad, but I'll go to her to talk about business and life and kind of career and that kind of thing, because she's very much in that game as well. So I kind of go to her for that. And then I've got two other friends that I just lost my head off with every single time I'm with them, I they just, they're the sort of the kind of people
and we just, I don't know, we just roll off each other, we band with each other and it's just like, I just know I'm gonna have a good time with them. I think I think we all have different strengths. You know, as human beings, you'll have different strengths and so therefore, it makes sense that we will have different strengths.
Friends, I know exactly what I'm talking about, you know, if I'm having a really bad day, or if a guy's just rejected me, I'll go to Jen because she is never, you know, she just doesn't know what tough love means she is always in my corner, I could never do anything wrong. Even if I fucked up, she would tell me I'm amazing. I'm beautiful. And fuck that guy, and I deserve better. And so I go to her when I need that kind of unwavering love and, you know, the cuddle a kind of approach. And then if I need someone to tell me how it is to be straight with me and be like, hey, look, you know what, actually, that was pretty shit. Like, I don't know what the fuck you were thinking? I'll go to my friend jazz. Because she's like, no bullshit, tough love. Yeah, but you don't always want but you're right. You have those friends you go to for different things. And that's what's beautiful about friendships. And what I think is so great about having a slightly wider circle of friends is that there's someone for every occasion.
I agree. But as long as they all have got your best interests at heart, for sure. And that goes back to you know,
Being self aware enough to be able to recognise if they don't, and to be brave enough to do something about it and cutting those types of people out of your life? And that's important too. Yeah, for sure. How do you foster the good qualities and friends feeling? So I guess it's kind of, you know, setting almost setting boundaries without actually, you know, having to overtly say, I'm setting this boundary because you're doing this, but, you know, kind of fostering the good stuff. I honestly think that,
like, honesty is the best policy. Obviously, this podcast is all about, you know, being frank and honest. And sometimes it might be too much for people but, you know, again, using jet as an example, we actually set that example. So a while back, I'm obviously quite a social butterfly. I love being out. I'm out, you know, when in normal times, four or five nights a week, sometimes sometimes six, sometimes seven nights a week, God and I'm an extrovert and Jen is probably more of an introvert and
blessitt you know, when we were single, it was a bit different because we were both keen to go out. But now she had got a long term boyfriend who is lovely and amazing. And I don't. So I kept wanting her to be my wingwoman and come to always event so I was constantly inviting her to things like a texture fly, like what about DS and houses invited for her invites and be like, you know, plus one and, and eventually she had to be like, hey,
the constant I love you. And thank you so much for inviting me. But the the constant invites is making me anxious. Like, I don't want to have plans around the week and then I feel guilty or bad for not being there or for turning you down. And I was like, Oh, dude, totally cool. Like, that's totally fine. Thanks telling me. I'll you know, I'll check in your way. If they sound like something you'd be interested in. If you don't want to come, we can't come. Or if you've got the capacity, just let me know. Yeah. And that's been a massive difference in our friendship because
I don't feel like you're trying to avoid me.
Because she kept cancelling she isn't feel guilty and like duty bound to say yes, all the time. And it just made, you know, open lines of communication. And it's made us so much better. Mm hmm. But I just think it's about being honest. You've just got to be honest. Yeah. And if you love someone and you say it with love and understanding and empathy, then you know, it can't really go wrong, in my opinion. Well, I'm just super grateful that both of us have really, really good friendship groups. And I really hope that everyone who listens is also has the same. I'm grateful to have met you and to have you in my life as a new friend. I know. I think that you know, I often think about you, you're not my producer anymore. I think about you. On the weekends, I text you random stuff. I said, you take talks. So I think that even this relationship is a beautiful example of why it's so great to make new friendships as an adult and invest in friendships and invest in good people. Because as we say, you know, your vibe attracts your tribe and you
Feel my tribe and my vibe must be pretty bang on. Yeah, thank you. Look, we can honestly talk about friendships literally all day I definitely would talk more about making friends as an adult. I know that's something you guys want to hear from me, but we've run out of time. So we're gonna have to wrap it up here. Unfortunately, just as much as I love seeing your beautiful face. Guys, if you're loving the podcast, please subscribe and leave review on Apple podcasts. It truly means the world to us. If you like this episode on friendship habit sharing with the best mate. I'm sure she'd love to hear. Okay, apart from that you can follow us on Instagram at too much Telly and I will see you next Tuesday.