Being a Rescuer/
- December 8, 2020
Tully chats about the pressures of being rescuer, what it means for your wellbeing and how to focus on yourself and your own happiness rather than trying to be the knight in shining armour for everyone else.
On today’s episode:
- The pressures of being a “rescuer”
- How you can figure out if you are one
- People pleasing and the anxieties that come with it
- Why we always feel the need to fix everyone else’s problems
- Transitioning from being a rescuer to a supporter
We also spoke about content created by @TheMindGeek – check them out!
This podcast is produced by BIG MEDIA COMPANY.
Tully Smyth: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to episode 21 of too much Tali on today's episode, we discuss the pressures of being a rescuer and how you can figure out if you are one people pleasing and the anxieties that come with it and why we always feel the need to fix everyone else's problems as always my trusty, sidekick and partner in crime Jesse's here.
So let's jump straight into it. So Jess today is the day in a matter of hours, we will be side by side in a person sharing copious amounts of alcohol together for the big media company, Christmas party. And yet I still have no fucking idea what I'm wearing. Well, this is upsetting because I really wanted
Jess Lucas: [00:00:40] you to show me what you going to be wearing so that we can at least be somewhat equal.
Tully Smyth: [00:00:45] Do you know what? Cause you sent me the picture of what you, you want to wear, which is beautiful and white dress. Yeah. Than I imagined you going. So now I feel like I have to match your level of dressiness. I can't leave you be dressy. Should I pull it back? No, I love it. I love it. I think it will look amazing on you, but I need to match your level of like dressiness, you know, side-by-side so now I'm like, well, fuck, I can't wear like my dogs or something.
I have to wear like an actual, like. Fancy Christmas dress.
Jess Lucas: [00:01:10] Yeah. The thing about working with all boys in that we don't know, we can't work out what each other's wearing, so we can't be kind of on the same path.
Tully Smyth: [00:01:19] Well, you really threw me when you told me Bray, who was, of course Josh's partner is wearing flats.
Now. I'm like, fuck, what am I wearing Birkenstocks? Like how, how casually going here
Jess Lucas: [00:01:27] on our, on our, I don't know, maybe I'll put a group text out to all of the girls, just that I hate being that person. Cause it's like, you can
Tully Smyth: [00:01:34] wear whatever you want to wear. Um, but don't you think me and my girlfriends always do this women going out.
We like, what's like, what's everyone wearing. And then we kind of all, as my girlfriend, Laney likes to say, she's a stylist. She's always like, we dress in the same story. Does that make canoes at that time? Like stylists, like when they style of shoes. Yeah. They like style as like the whole picture, like overall story.
Yeah. And so it was
Jess Lucas: [00:01:56] like with the drew episode that we were kind of in the same
Tully Smyth: [00:01:58] thing, we all three of us, for sure. Yeah. It's easy. Yeah. If I just say black, I mean, today, we kind of, again, in the sec, we're both kind of, why will these, because you will,
Jess Lucas: [00:02:07] your van t-shirt last week. So I just thought I'd Chuck this on this way,
Tully Smyth: [00:02:11] but this is my, is it a name being or any being or it's my, ah, yeah,
Jess Lucas: [00:02:17] yeah.
Tully Smyth: [00:02:18] went gangbusters for paid way too much money for it. Um, so, um, I'm
Jess Lucas: [00:02:22] still working carpet bottoms though.
Tully Smyth: [00:02:24] You, your town looks great. We do discuss last episode, who would be darker, uh, at this point in time you looked darker. I am also fake tan, but my F my F I'm sketching my face. So I'm always like redid a lot.
This is literally me. Nope. Legitimately did not do my face. Oh shit. No, I did it. The wearing makeup and I'm not wearing any makeup. I look tired. If I've had a really big week, you have had a big way. I have socials of being quiet. Exactly last night when
Jess Lucas: [00:02:53] you posted Euro white
Tully Smyth: [00:02:54] parties. So yeah. Thank you so much.
Yeah, that was a shoot with Rocky bunny. My hairdressers, who look after me so well and have been for years and years and years. And occasionally they'll ask me to do a shoot. Am I, uh, I dust off the older modeling heals. Don't really do it much anymore. Um, it's funny packing, like, obviously I've been on obviously, but I've been modeling since I was 15 and you get taught very early on.
There's like a modeling, like. Pack that you take to every shoot,
Jess Lucas: [00:03:23] right.
Tully Smyth: [00:03:23] And what you have to always have a flush college, a string Ika the world's ugliest underwear. Like if one has a pair, you have to have a pair, but they're just the ugliest most ugliest anywhere in the world. Flesh-colored J string, flesh-colored nude, strapless bra, um, black shapeless bra, just in case.
Um, no jury athlete oil jury at home. No fake tan. No makeup. You forgot to the shoot fresh face, clean hair. Um, I would
Jess Lucas: [00:03:54] you just shower in the morning, you just wash your
Tully Smyth: [00:03:56] hair and then yeah. That's
Jess Lucas: [00:03:58] the dream and someone else gets you ready?
Tully Smyth: [00:03:59] Yeah. And then you just look like a 12 out of 10. I did have a slight issue with my bruises.
Um, as we know, I bruise very easily there. Did I say that right? You dirty? Fuck. What was that from? I am anemic. So I do bruise really easily. Honestly, you could poke me and I bruise. Um, I did have a couple of injuries, um, that I looked over a week old. They just don't go away. Like I try, I use heroin cream.
Like I try everything I take arnica or Anika. I think it's Aanuka tablets. Um, I just, I bruise like a page and I didn't really think about it because again, I don't model really anymore, so it's not really an issue for me. And it's so easy to just face to now, um, you know, bruises, pimples, whatever. And I definitely do that.
Guys. Don't think that I have always looked perfect. I definitely do not. Um, so I didn't really have to think about it. And then I got to the shoe, I thought. She, and I had three different looks and she pulled out the first one, it was this beautiful Zimmy Zimmerman dressed that was kind of high neck. And I was like, okay.
Yes, sweet, sweet. And then the next dress was this beautiful back and bridge, which is again, high neck. And I was like, amazing. I somehow pulled this off. And then the third, the third look was just stunning. Like I need to buy, I think, I think I need to buy it is stunning. Um, for Leben lemons, little Lacy white number, um, that showed off my decla Taj.
And, uh, unfortunately I got my hair and makeup done, um, in a studio sort of away from the location. So that makeup artist was actually there on the shoot and I didn't have any concealer or anything. And everyone's like, um, Do we have anything covers,
it'll be fun for the actual steels. Like it's totally easy to edit out, but for the video stuff
Jess Lucas: [00:05:49] on our answer, no one had like a little compact
Tully Smyth: [00:05:52] powder or anything.
Jess Lucas: [00:05:53] Nothing.
Tully Smyth: [00:05:54] I also, as someone who has tried to cover bruises like that before it's, it's hard sometimes to make up, make them more of, yes. Yeah.
Okay. But thank you so much, Jessica pointed that out. Um, I mean, I wasn't going to, but you kind of brought it up
Jess Lucas: [00:06:06] and I was like, it wasn't that obvious. I'm sure it'd be fun.
Tully Smyth: [00:06:09] Yeah. I mean, it was
Jess Lucas: [00:06:11] just, uh, Uh,
Tully Smyth: [00:06:13] an interesting location. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Well that moving right along. So Jess, we've had this episode in the pipeline for a little while now.
Um, but I thought it might be a good time to, we put out, especially leading up into Christmas, which of course equals bulk family time. Um, for me, my family, my family can be kind of triggering. Don't get me wrong. Love him to death, but they trigger me, uh, Let you go a lot in may, actually. Do you find this with your family at all?
Like, do they decide? Yeah, like, like I grew up with this,
Jess Lucas: [00:06:43] like we know the buttons to push when you want to push them and you've just got to be conscious of not doing it.
Tully Smyth: [00:06:49] Do you find that? I find that sometimes I regress, like when I'm back with the family, especially if I'm staying at dad's, um, for a couple of nights, I just regress back to like, like I'm quite happy.
I mean, he loves doing it. He's like pumpkin, do you have anything to eat? Like, can I make some scrambled eggs? By the way he's grabbed what eggs are actually the world's best scrambled eggs. Start at me like don't try and send me your recipes. I don't want to say them. He makes the best scrambled eggs. Um, I dunno.
I just kind of like, I'm ha I sit there on the couch and like, I I'm happy for him to wait on me, hand and foot. And I sort of, I don't know. I just felt like I go back to like teenage Tali who was the worst. Yeah, absolutely.
Jess Lucas: [00:07:25] My room goes back to being messy. Like my
Tully Smyth: [00:07:27] clothes
Jess Lucas: [00:07:28] are just on the floor because I don't have anywhere to hang them.
We'll put them so that they, yeah, it's right by my bed. Yeah, absolutely. I think isn't that. Is that a thing? I
Tully Smyth: [00:07:36] dunno, do that as well. Can you let us guys at too much Tali, let us know if you also happen to regress when you go back to your family for Christmas over any of that sort of event. Um, but I think they also a lot of other stuff in my deep inside me, I think I live my happy leaner sort of carefree, independent woman life down here in Melvin.
And then I got back to family time and I'm like, Oh, okay. So here are all those issues and trauma and. Um, suitcases full of baggage that I happened to just like push to the side sometimes. And in Melbourne, I think as teenagers and even as young adults, um, we're reluctant to look inwards. We don't really care about being self-aware.
We don't notice our behavioral patterns and how they may be affecting the relationships in our lives. And we generally won't seek the help or guidance of say a professional, like a psychologist, unless we find ourselves at rock bottom. Um, but since turning 30 way, way, way back in 2017, I have done the complete opposite as you guys know are, um, I've sought out all the help.
I can get both in the traditional Western medicine world. And then also in alternative therapies, I've spoken with psychologists and psychics, kinesiologists, meditation, teachers, acupuncturist, Reiki, healers, JPS, life coaches, and even a clinical nearer psychologist. Something I have learned through doing the work.
And you can hear more about this in episode six, is that in our lifetime where assigned roles and we claim roles, and that's not always a conscious thing with any roles comes a set of expectations, behaviors, and limitations. And I discovered that losing my mom to early onset dementia at 14 years old has made me a rescuer.
And it's not like the sexy superhero way either in this app, I wanted to chat a little bit more about the role of a rescuer, what it looks like, how he come to me, the rescue, uh, how this role impacts our relationships and how to work through our deep desire to save everybody. So what is a rescuer? Well, I'm so glad you asked.
Yes, I'm glad you're ready. The run sheet. So how do we know if you're at risk? So I follow this amazing account on Instagram. I have for a while now. She's incredible. I often share her tiles to my story because I find them really helpful. So I assume that other people will too. Um, she's a psycho therapist.
Her name is Sarah Jane Crosby and her Instagram handle is at the mind geek. So Sarah Sr explains, um, how do we know for a rescue? So we may feel shattered or burnt out trying to juggle everything happening in our family and other relationships. I often feel that way we inherently want to make others feel at ease, with skilled at making those around us feel less uncomfortable.
That that reminded me of, you know, Jasper from, um, Twilight. That was his like special vampire talent. Do you remember? I remember
Tully Smyth: [00:10:30] I don't remember that. Well, so I was really into Twilight, both of us at the movies. So Jasper special talent was that he could like read a room and like adjust people's moods.
Oh my God.
Jess Lucas: [00:10:41] That's like literally how I feel sometimes like we'll get into it, but
Tully Smyth: [00:10:45] yeah. Great. Yeah. I mean, I heard that bit. I was like, that reminds you of Jasper from toilet. Um, we often respond with I'm fine because we truly believe we are identifying our needs can be really difficult. Conflict, whether it's our own or another's leaves us feeling anxious, eager to intervene and problem solve.
If we're in a situation where we can't help, we may feel guilty, ashamed, and angry with ourselves. And we're adept at picking up on other's mood and energy. Very empathetic by nature. Just to any of these resonate with you.
Jess Lucas: [00:11:18] I think I, over as a night, um, to some respect, uh, with me, because I mean, I've always been such a people pleaser ally sometimes to the detriment of my own self worth, I suppose.
Um, like I often walk away from situations having not expressed how I feel in that moment. Like whether I'm angry at what someone else has done or they've made me sad or haven't communicated what I wanted to get across well, and I feel like they misunderstood me. Um, Yeah. And then I feel like I take on, I adapt myself so that someone else doesn't feel sad, anxious, angry, that kind of thing.
So I do feel like I play that role of, um, Jasper I suppose, and kind of reading the room and either. Being completely avoided and, and leaving or putting on this show so that other people are feeling good about themselves. Is that how you feel?
Tully Smyth: [00:12:10] How do you think that affects you? Like, do you, do you often find yourself going home and replaying scenarios and say, Oh fuck, I wish I'd said this.
Or like, do you feel resentful afterwards? Is it, how does that affect your, your sort of mental? Yeah. Yeah, I think
Jess Lucas: [00:12:22] so. I, I'm not great at thinking on my feet. Which is weird, I'm doing a podcast, but when I'm in those kinds of high stress kind of moments, or someone's really upset me, or they're upset at myself, um, in themselves.
Sorry. Uh, yeah, I just can't think of what I want to say. Probably I'm much better about going away thinking about it, processing it, and then coming back through a text or whatever it is, or actually having dot points when I talked to them. Um, because I can't, I don't know. I just don't, I'm not wired that way.
I'm also like, I'm also really bad at. Um, fighting back when someone else thinks that they're right, because I'm like, I just can't be bothered dealing with this because I can't get through to you.
Tully Smyth: [00:13:01] It's funny. I'm similar, but in a very different way, I think that I'm much more emotional and reactive. It's something that I'm definitely trying to work on.
I definitely have a habit of lashing out or, you know, um, sort of reacting quite emotionally. Um, so I prefer. If I'm going to be in an argument or fight. If I have something really important to say I'd much prefer to text it because I want to put all my thoughts down and make sure it sounds okay. Make sure the tone is okay, because if I say on the phone, it can come across all wrongs because of, you know, my, my, how I deliver it.
A couple of us have been told that my tone, you know, I think I'm saying something nice, but it sounds like I'm being a bitch. Like I, so if I can write it, then at least I can write it properly. Reread it, make sure it sounds right. Make sure it's what I actually mean. But, yeah, that's mainly because I tend to like bite really quickly say I wish I was
Jess Lucas: [00:13:54] a little bit more like that sometimes, because I think
Tully Smyth: [00:13:57] they got a happy medium, like you want to be between the two of us.
Like you're probably a little bit one side and I'm a little bit, the other side you want to kind of be in the middle.
Jess Lucas: [00:14:04] Yeah. I do think a lot of people get away with a lot of things with
Tully Smyth: [00:14:07] me. Like, if that makes me angry, I won't see that. But yeah.
Jess Lucas: [00:14:16] Um, it goes back to that episode of doing the work when we were talking about conserving your energy as well. I think this is why I do get so stressed out or, um, I just feel depleted is because I let people. And not, I'm not saying that, Oh, no one has done anything so bad to me. Cause I was just, wouldn't put up with that.
But it's just like those little things where it's like, ah, I don't really want to do that, but I'll do it because it's going to make you happy or whatever. It's those little things that chip away your energy. Um, and they're the kind of things that I'm trying to work on so that I am conserving myself.
And so I'm saying it's between the nice happy seven and 10. Oh,
Tully Smyth: [00:14:51] is that from that's from it's from a podcast? Isn't it was it from
Jess Lucas: [00:14:55] no, sorry. Seven and 10. As in like epicenter batteries.
Tully Smyth: [00:14:58] Right. Of course. Yeah. I, yeah, I think back to those sort of, how did he know, how do you know if you're a rescue? I know for a fact that I am on, hence this episode, I looked into this after a certain chat with a certain someone.
Can't remember whether it was genomic uneasy, oldest or Jane, my psychologist. It was definitely someone that hasn't all adjusted their name. Um, I often find myself saying I'm fine because I wouldn't even know where to begin with. What's wrong, especially not so much now, but like, you know, growing up with mom being sick and then mum passing away, it's like, How long do you have, like, you want me to start back at the beginning when I was 14?
Or should I go back further than that? Talk about big brother and how that affected me, the trolls? Like how long do you have, um, so I just say I'm fine because yeah. I don't even know what to begin with. What's wrong. And I feel like the other person has much more important stuff to be worried about than my silly, you know, first of all problems.
And then the other thing that I do a lot is that I'm constantly wanting to wave a magic wand and fix all of my friend's issues or problems. And then I feel extremely guilty and disappointed in myself when I can't like, I feel like I've, that affects me more than being able to fix my own problems. Like I just want to fix everyone's pumps.
It breaks my heart when one of my friends is going through something and I can't magically fix it. I know it sounds ridiculous. Doesn't it? It doesn't
Jess Lucas: [00:16:16] because I think. Yeah, I hit,
Tully Smyth: [00:16:19] it's a good quality to
Jess Lucas: [00:16:20] have as a friend in you. Um, but I do think you've, you've got to balance that, uh, your energy again, because you can't fix everything and what people need most of the time.
It's just someone who's going to listen to them.
Tully Smyth: [00:16:34] Yeah. And we'll touch on that moving forward. Okay. So we've identified how to tell if you are rescuer, but how does that happen? How does one become a rescuer. Again, as explained by my favorite Instagram, the mine gate out primary caregivers required us to be the caretaker.
They may have confided in us at a young age or placed undue responsibility on our shoulders. I mean, if that isn't directly about me in my life, I don't know what is, um, as a child, we may have felt inadequate. We may have been ridiculed and unsupported in our self-expression. Someone close to us may have died.
Moved away, been emotionally unavailable and or struggled with addiction. When personal trauma is difficult to acknowledge a hold, we may deny or avoid examining it by changing our focus onto another person. We may have had a parent or an older sibling who played the role of a rescuer. As a result we learned, this is how relationships operate.
This is how we connect to others. Let me look back at past behavior. We cringe, we feel guilt or shame for some part of ourselves and attempt to rectify the us by saving others. Yeah.
Jess Lucas: [00:17:42] That they resonate
Tully Smyth: [00:17:43] with you different. Like, I'm sorry, but like raise your hand if you feel sane, because I think nearly every single one of those points effects, like, it almost feels as if I've written this, if this is like specifically about me.
Yeah. Look obviously a lot of back hits.
Jess Lucas: [00:18:00] Yeah.
Tully Smyth: [00:18:01] Yeah. Does it make you feel? Yeah, I
Jess Lucas: [00:18:03] think, um, I mean, we obviously had very different upbringings, um, and I had parents, I suppose, that were amazing growing up. I got everything that I ever needed or wanted and, um, yeah, I think. You can have elements of these little, uh, those, um, points that can still form that.
I think maybe, um, I might've gone the complete other way. And so I got everything I needed and so maybe I want to help other people as well, potentially. I'm not sure. Um, but yeah, I think, I think a lot of people will resonate with those points.
Tully Smyth: [00:18:39] Yeah. I mean, obviously like, you know, going back to those points, like my primary caregiver required me to be a caretaker.
Then my other primary caregiver confided in me at a young age and place responsibility on the responsibility on my shoulders. So I take both those boxes. Um, I didn't feel ridiculed unsupported in my self expression, but I definitely felt alone sometimes in my family. Yeah. I've touched on that before. Um, you know, losing my mom and then being the only girl in the family and two younger brothers who.
Kind of stuck together. I'm dad was kind of BS looking after mom. Yeah. Someone may have died. Yep. My mum passed away. Um, when a person is dealing with trauma, it's difficult to acknowledge a hold, which I did for a long time. I didn't really address what was going on in my family, all my life. Um, I changed my focus on to other people.
Um, And then obviously looking back at past behavior, we cringe, we feel guilt or shame for some part of ourselves and attempt to rectify this by saving others. That's like a hundred percent, may a hundred percent even now, like even looking back, I like the big brother stuff and I'm like, Oh, I try and like say
Jess Lucas: [00:19:47] why you were on the show or just that you did it, or what
Tully Smyth: [00:19:49] what's that about?
No, just the fact that, you know, the colossal fuck up of like cheating on my partner. Like I think if I. Even, I mean, even specifically with towels, like, you know, I'll do anything for that. Go to try and like undo what I've already done. Isn't that so fascinating though,
Jess Lucas: [00:20:07] isn't it? Because do not get me wrong.
Like it wasn't I know you didn't want to do that to Talia it wasn't the right decision necessarily. But look at what has said it set your life up since.
Tully Smyth: [00:20:20] Yeah, I know. I am. I am proud. Well, that sounds weird. It's
Jess Lucas: [00:20:25] just weird because if it hadn't have happened, you wouldn't be here today. So
Tully Smyth: [00:20:29] I know, I
Jess Lucas: [00:20:29] feel like everything happens for a reason and you have rectified it.
You have done a really good job at, um, talking to Talia apologizing, and obviously showing how I
Tully Smyth: [00:20:40] know this isn't about like maybe in gray. It's just like that. I always, I'm always gonna, I definitely do that. Yeah. Okay. So what now, how do we learn to pack away our superhero capes and chill the fuck out?
How do we focus on ourselves and our own happiness rather than trying to be the Knight in shining armor for everyone else? How can we be there for others? Truly supporting them without defaulting to rescuing and sacrificing ourselves. Cause I think, you know, we were just both, especially you, Jess, like you just said that what you do, you put your needs aside for other people.
So again, the mine gate talks us through rescuing versus support. So we rescue by taking on the responsibilities of another supporting them, however, involves actively listening to someone without betraying ourselves or our boundaries. So, again, that's touching on what you said before, Jess. It's about, we can support people and be there for people while still respecting our boundaries.
We didn't have to constantly overstep the Mark and ignore our own wants and needs just to, just to help somebody else. When you rescue others, we make excuses or take the blame for their actions support. However, acknowledges that what we have control over, allowing the other person, the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes.
That's something else. I always do. I try and like swooping and like stop people from repeating mistakes I've made. It's like, that's not beneficial for fucking anybody.
Jess Lucas: [00:22:09] No. Yeah. I agree. I think I tried to do the same as well sometimes, but then there's all the times where it's like, you just know that they're not going to learn.
And so how do you even, how do you fix up?
Tully Smyth: [00:22:20] There's no, El monkeys, like they're on their own journey. They're on their own path. They have to figure that shit out. Yeah. I know it's hard. It's so hard. I'm I'm I'm I just want to shake some people though. I just want to be like, if you act like this, you're
Jess Lucas: [00:22:33] making this other person feel bad.
Or if you're, um, you know, doing this thing, like it's not going to lead to something that you want. And
Tully Smyth: [00:22:42] the only reason you're able to see that, and the only reason you're able to step out of, out of it and be that self away is because you were doing the work. Yeah. And the other person is never gonna be able to see that point of view because they're not.
And like, it's just, you know, it's funny because as again, my girlfriend Laney, um, is talks about all the time. Now she lives in like the fifth dimension. Like I have no idea about any of this stuff. I'm not even gonna try and talk about it because I do not understand it. All I know is that I'm here, I'm in three day, apparently and Lanny leaves in five day.
And like she's really woke and wants me to like ascend with him anyway. This
Jess Lucas: [00:23:18] sounds really interesting. I want to get to Noah.
Tully Smyth: [00:23:21] She would love to come on the podcast. Okay, great. She would love to for the podcast, um, you know, as in most things I'm open-minded to this, that kind of stuff, but I just don't understand it.
So sometimes when he talks to me about it, I'm like, you're speaking Japanese, I'm speaking Spanish. And I just, I'm not understanding. Yeah. Um, but as she always says, she's like, you know, you just gotta send people love they're on their own path. Um, they're on their own journey and they'll figure it out eventually.
And if they don't then leave them behind. Yeah. Um, we attempt to rescue someone from feeling distressed when we provide solutions without being asked or tell them what we think they should do, support us, what is needed. And isn't about saying, I told you, so that's kind of touching what we just spoke about.
I am notorious for this. Not
Jess Lucas: [00:24:10] listening and talking.
Tully Smyth: [00:24:11] I just spoke over you as you're trying to speak. No, just more about like put just like my heart's in the right place. But as you just said, you know, when you think, you know, better, you, like you tell me what they should be doing, rather than just like allowing them to do what they need to do.
Jess Lucas: [00:24:29] And it's helping to and map out a plan or something.
Tully Smyth: [00:24:31] Yeah. And letting them make their own mistakes and like listening, but like also like letting them make their decisions. Um, and it's very, very hard for them to say, I told you, so when I'm right. I love being right. I'm usually right. And it's really hard to know.
Oh, well I did suggest this seven months ago, but that's fine. You got there in the next thread. Yeah. As you'll see here, exhibit ABC, I've highlighted the fact that I said this. Uh, back in June. So, um, let me play the rescuer role in relationships. We put our own needs to the side there's benefits. Literally.
No one, I think with that as well, especially, I mean, I'm, she may, I mean, it could be really romantic relationships or just friendships. But you end up resentful, do you not? Do you not feel resentful? Sometimes you don't just go home and just like lie in bed at night and just you about all the things you didn't get to say.
And all the times you put your own needs aside for someone else's and just like start hating those people, like surely.
Jess Lucas: [00:25:25] Yeah. Yeah. You do. I think the biggest thing that I feel is just the energy to patient life. That's the thing that pisses me off because then I'll be. At a 10%, because I don't feel great after having done all this work for other people that they might not appreciate, or even listen.
And then you just think, why did I do that? I could have been at the beach today, or I could have done something else with my energy,
Tully Smyth: [00:25:47] put that energy in that time and to like go to the gym and like bettering myself, like taking a time out and reading a book or meditating. I just reckon if I was you, like, we're obviously we always discuss these.
We're so different. And then we're so similar in like the weirdest of ways we're like chalk and cheese, but then we're like, Two different kinds of the same cheese. Like I'm a Canon bear on, you're a break, which, you know what I love free. Perfect. When they want a cheese bite, you can't tell the fucking difference.
And if you say you can, I'm sorry guys. If you're listening, I love a cheese platter more than anyone else. I'm the queen of is if you've followed me on Instagram for a while, you'll say my plat is, I mean, lately I've been. Buying them because it's been locked down. But if you can honestly tell me the difference between a Canon Bay and a Bray on a plight, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Jess Lucas: [00:26:32] Yeah. I mean, I can't even apply it, but I would always
Tully Smyth: [00:26:34] go for a, in the supermarket. Okay. I understand that. What I'm saying is we digress. What I'm saying is you and I have very similar, but also very different classy. And I feel like if I wasn't, so, cause you know, I pretty much say what's on my mind. I do PayPal plays.
I do want to make everyone around me. Happy. But I'm not likely to sit on an opinion or to bite my tongue. I feel like if I was more like you. It would just come out. Like I reckon I'd have a few drinks and I just stopped blocking everybody with all these opinions that I've been sitting on for a year being, like I said, that it was okay to help you move it.
Wasn't I had plans, like I just rolled and I see that makes me
Jess Lucas: [00:27:11] anxious because then
Tully Smyth: [00:27:13] the thought of that,
Jess Lucas: [00:27:14] the thought of doing that makes me anxious. If I think that I've pissed someone off or
Tully Smyth: [00:27:18] upset. So my best friend in genocide carp.
Jess Lucas: [00:27:22] Yeah, no, I don't get, I can't do with fights. I can't do with.
Confrontation, unless like it's lack of proper conversation. Yeah, not. Okay.
Tully Smyth: [00:27:32] So at the end of the day, putting down the role of rescuer can feel pretty uncomfortable. Particularly family or friends are accustomed to us saving them, or if you're the one used to sweeping in and feeling helpful and needed, which is definitely something else I do.
It's something I've been struggling with, particularly since losing mum, because suddenly I'm no longer really needed working on the transition from rescuer. To support her, which is where we want to be. That sweet spot involves creating boundaries and identifying our reasons for wanting to rescue don't stress.
These things take time. And that's where the additional help of say a psychologist can really be helpful. Always try to remember true support. Shouldn't involve self-sacrifice. Jessica I'll get that Prince annotation for you. Great. Thank you Kris Kringle today. Anyway, sorry, allowing ourselves space to notice our patterns and reflecting on what they cause maybe and what they cause they be is integral for change to occur and just don't they say change is as good as a holiday.
Jess Lucas: [00:28:38] I do. I feel
Tully Smyth: [00:28:40] like this is definitely something that I've been working on in the last year since losing mom and I'm. I think, I think I'm noticing a difference, but it's still something it's still my default. It's still like the setting I sort of default back to often.
Jess Lucas: [00:28:55] Yeah. I think when someone presents themselves through you're in a maybe hyper anxious, really emotional kind of way, like you probably will always fall back into that rescue mindset.
Um, but if you can just be, if you can be conscious of the small things, being a supporter, and I think that's a good enough step.
Tully Smyth: [00:29:15] Absolutely. I think even just identify the fact that, okay, so this is what I add. This is where I want to be. And then, yeah, as you just said, making those little sort of changes, little switches, little, um, differences, um, in your decisions and how you react to things, um, then you know, you're doing the work and that's all we ask of you guys is that you do the work I'm going to like get that copyrighted or something, make it too much.
Talima Kelly through the work. Guys that's it for today. A nice, short, sweet, hopefully helpful and insightful episode for you. But just a quick one. Before we wrap this episode, as it's coming to the end of the year, we wanted to get to know you guys a little bit more, a little bit deeper, figure out what really makes you all tick to do this.
We've created a survey asking you a few questions. Why answering? Not only do you do me a huge favor, but you can also go into the draw to win a hundred dollars visa voucher. So it's like, you know, you scratch my back. I'll scratch yours, head to too much Talia to Instagram to find the link. The prize will be drawn on February one, 2021.
It would mean the world to me guys. If you fill this out, um, it's super quick, super easy, but it gives us all the information we need to make the podcast bigger and better in the new year, which is super exciting. So once again, the link will be in the buyer at the too much telly Instagram page. And I love you in advance of filling it out, guys.
As always, thank you so much for listening to too much Tali. You can find us on Instagram at too much Tali. You can find the podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts, be it Apple or Spotify. Thank you so much for everyone that sent me that wrapped, uh, results as well. So many people and listening to too much Holly, this year.
It definitely makes my day. So if that is you, please tag me and I will reshare your story as always guys, if you love the show, please leave us a review. We really appreciate it. Especially the positive ones. And I will. See you next Tuesday.